Archives for the month of: September, 2012

I wrote a new blog on the 17th but I didn’t post it. It needs to be pulled apart and posted as a Tryptic. At a later date, possibly. Maybe never.

‘Harry’ doesn’t feel like we have chemistry and he doesn’t think in the long term a relationship will develop. He likes me and he’s looking forward to seeing me in the future but he doesn’t see any point in contriving a friendship. I am confused but not surprised. I didn’t respond to his last email (9 days ago).

A conversation I had with my friend ‘Jed’ has had me thinking. Since his long term relationship broke up, I think Jed’s been floating and this may not be good for his 9 year old daughter. I hinted that the relationship he is in now, could be healthier than he thinks. Jed thinks he’s not that into his g/f, he might be right, but something in his manner suggests that all is not as he would have me believe.

I warned Jed that he needed to think about how he relates to women because his daughter is watching and learning. I said flippantly, it was no wonder my relationships fail because I go for men like my father; they smell like booze and stale cigarettes and they ignore me. Would Jed be happy if his daughter brought someone home like him? He pulled a face.

Dear Reader, we are in danger of getting into the ‘Oedipus Complex’. Don’t believe it for a second, at least not the way that Freud would have us believe, but there is a kernel of truth in that nut. We form our ideas about relationships through watching those around us. Rarely, do we learn from directed teaching as children; especially the kind of lessons that our parents teach us (do as I say not, as I do?).

Some Buddhists believe in soul groups and collective karma. Some psychologists and sociologists believe in group consciousness. Other religions, philosophies, political groups etc will have similar thoughts. Here’s the thread that binds… I am repeating my mothers patterns, just as she has repeated her mothers patterns.

I think I ‘liked’ Harry because I knew that he would be distant. What I read in his profile allowed me to make a different story than the one I had intuited from his picture. I knew that he would be ‘a geek’. Being geek conversant, this doesn’t phase me. In relationships however, when you are tactile like I am, you need a geek that is conversant in ‘hippy’. Group Hug!

My mother married three absent husbands and always blamed herself for the two divorces (secretly). She didn’t know her father. When my gran lost her first husband in the war, I think she lost ‘it’. My mothers father… well that’s her story to tell. Lets just say he wasn’t able to be her father.

Being informed in my youth that real men didn’t hit women, glossed over the need to protect myself from the other kinds of men that I might encounter. Including the absent kind. The ones that say they want in, but inevitably wander off shouting “Stop being so clingy” on their way out. I am cutting this thread short. Do you understand what I am doing here?

Other connections I lost this month include my internet. 5 days with out. I listened to more music on the dictaphone, ‘Kiss 98’ (proof again, that just because you can doesn’t mean you should) and a brilliant mix tape of Tamla Motown. I also lost the flow in the last of my interviews for the internship.

A friend of mine has offered me some volunteer work that will help soothe the pain of the rejection. I’m going to look after chickens and sheeps and goats and stuffs on the City Farm! (I kind of hope that I don’t get either of the jobs shhhh.) Also, I have been skills sharing with a local artist and friend and we are going to collaborate on some multimedia work. So, you know, you win some/you lose some.

E is for Erasure, Yahoo!
F is for Ella Fitzgerald, Cry me a River.
G is for Goldfrapp, No. 1.
H is for Jimi Hendrix, Bold as Love.
I is for INXS, Never Tear Us Apart.

Einstein believed that intuition is the subconscious minds way of delivering advice to the conscious mind, based on what it had learnt from experience with a bit of logic thrown in for good measure. It was also Einstein that said the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results each time.”

I sent Harry an email today.

Twice in one day. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do.

I couldn’t help grabbing hold of my dictaphone and sliding in another cassette. When I left the Bingo Hall in 1994 I stole it (a cassette full of oldies, originally entitled ‘Nostalgia’). I have no remorse, they shut the place down a few months later.

It was there that I first appreciated the joys of swearing. I told my line manager to ‘fuck off’ and he heard me, I admit it gave me a thrill.

Anyhow, I thought the tape was a bit stretched cos everything seemed a bit off, a bit sluggish. As previously mentioned, I have been nursing the player to make sure that the spools are operating to the max. I had a bit of a boogie and dropped the player.

As I bent to pick it up, I noticed the speed adjuster on the back…

“Be wise, be smart, behave, my heart
Don’t upset your cart when she’s so close
Be soft, be sweet but be discreet
Don’t go off your beat…”

Too late she’s twiddling the knob now… Sammy Davis Jr. say hello to The Chipmunks.

I’m not sorry.

I had the best of intentions to start this blog in the deeper recesses of my TickerTapeMind, but honestly, why would I do that intentionally? I can always present my ‘Ticks’ in a more natural manner by telling you how the brain is working shit over.

1) I had a date with ‘Harry’ it went really well. I have been thinking some of the following over the last week: I really like him, I don’t think he’s for me, We don’t seem to be compatible, When I’m in work some of the things I am worried about will be none issues, I know he’s busy but why isn’t he emailing back, I’m dating other people he’s not that interested in me, I really like him he’s funny and intelligent. (Aren’t you supposed to be over this when you leave adolescence?)

2) I wanted to listen to an album that I have on tape only. I have given away all my tape playing equipment. I remembered that I have a dictaphone, so I dug out my tapes and I have been nursing my dictaphone ever since. Every time a side ends I jump, even though I know that it is coming. POP! Open the cassette draw, flip the tape, close the draw, press play, make sure that I hold the player flat so the speed of the spools is not effected… What a farce and yet wonderfully and sublimely retro.

3) Music I have listened to this week: Mos Def (only half his first album, UMI says being the best track), James Morrison’s first album is playing as I type this (I hooked up an old cd player so I didn’t have to use the computer, more about that in 4 probably), Amy Winehouse’s Frank <3, some Bjork, some reggae. Actually, I decided that I would do an A-Z playlist. A is for Adele, Daydreamer. B is for Barenaked Ladies, Some Fantastic. C is for Candi Staton, You Got the Love. It could easily have been the Cure's Same Deep Water as well. And I did wonder why B wasn't for Bjork's Hyperballad. Hm. D is for Depeche Mode, It's No Good.

4) Vista and AVG combo make me want to pull my hair out. I have considered duel booting the PC ever since I got it two years ago and still haven't. I'm in a technology slip stream and with it comes absolute apathy. I'd love a Mac Mini. I'd love it a lot. I'd flirt with it daily and stroke it too.

5) I'm going to a wedding this evening and I can't decide if I should wear trousers or a dress.

6) I have been shortlisted for two internships and I can not decide which one to take if I get offered them both. I have decided that I AM GOING TO BE OFFERED BOTH because I am frickin fabulous. I'll cry if I don't get either.

7) Is this me falling into things and referring to type or is this taking control of my life? Does it matter? I am content. The Buddhist prayer flags in the kitchen have fallen down after being up for years. Is this significant?

8) Why am I wasting valuable 'eye time' writing a blog, when I should be researching for my interviews?

As it happens my profile was suspended not because of me trying to be sneaky and get something for nothing. I was banned for referring to Nu Shooz and their song ‘I can’t Wait’, they thought Nu Shooz was another username. Obviously I find this highly amusing because the sneaky hint to my email address is still in my profile blurb haha, in your face!

Or possibly not. It was so subtle even the teacher didn’t get it. Or maybe he did and rightly decided not to give out more about him self than he needed to, ya know, like his email address. So there I am ‘liked’ by him, him ‘liked’ by me and no means of communicating. The crowdfunding bid still has not been accepted or rejected. TickerTapeMind switches on and tries to find yet another alternative solution to this impossible predicament. There is none. I watch the days roll by sliding slowly into despondency.

Whilst in the process of bemoaning my fate, looking for jobs and baking, I complain to my friend how unfair life is in general and she says “Ohforgodsakesshuttup” which I thought was overly harsh until she said that she would pay for my subscription as a birthday gift. Did I turn that generous offer down, as I ought to have? Not likely, I set about writing a response immediately; it’s been a week since Harry and I ‘liked’ each other… As I log in, a message from Harry pops up. (True Story).

For the last week we have communicated nearly every day. In fact, the reason why I haven’t blogged is because I haven’t wanted to tempt fate. I still don’t. Let’s just say that it is going well in a very Me kind of way. I have a non-date date on Saturday. I think. I actually don’t know what it is, because we are equally neurotic, we have talked ourselves in and out of it being a date. He’s got a pathological fear of being smothered and I have a pathological fear of being abandoned. We could be well suited. Certainly, we are the only two people on a dating website that are trying to define the parameters of a friendship when what we both want is A DATE!

With that being said I am going to leave the Harry issue alone (for now). What prompted me into blogging is some pondering about what it is that I am looking for in a relationship. Having neatly side stepped the aspirational debate by writing something ridiculous in my profile, I am still none the wiser about what I want. I know what I don’t want. I do not want to feel like a whore any more. How’s that for honesty!

In the past I dated a man that didn’t try to touch me during our six month relationship. I would arrange my self in provocative positions in order to inspire something lustful in him and he would look pointedly any where but in my direction. Another of my more disastrous relationships is an on/off one based purely on sex. Or was, until I declined to take part when I realised that it would never be more than that. Realising the truth of both relationships, I began to feel like there was something wrong with my sexuality.

There is nothing wrong with my sexuality. There is however something wrong with a) my mentality regarding relationships and b) my choice in men. Given that my choice in men is dictated by my mentality, that is where my next blog will start, in the darker more confused parts of my TickerTapeMind.