As it happens my profile was suspended not because of me trying to be sneaky and get something for nothing. I was banned for referring to Nu Shooz and their song ‘I can’t Wait’, they thought Nu Shooz was another username. Obviously I find this highly amusing because the sneaky hint to my email address is still in my profile blurb haha, in your face!

Or possibly not. It was so subtle even the teacher didn’t get it. Or maybe he did and rightly decided not to give out more about him self than he needed to, ya know, like his email address. So there I am ‘liked’ by him, him ‘liked’ by me and no means of communicating. The crowdfunding bid still has not been accepted or rejected. TickerTapeMind switches on and tries to find yet another alternative solution to this impossible predicament. There is none. I watch the days roll by sliding slowly into despondency.

Whilst in the process of bemoaning my fate, looking for jobs and baking, I complain to my friend how unfair life is in general and she says “Ohforgodsakesshuttup” which I thought was overly harsh until she said that she would pay for my subscription as a birthday gift. Did I turn that generous offer down, as I ought to have? Not likely, I set about writing a response immediately; it’s been a week since Harry and I ‘liked’ each other… As I log in, a message from Harry pops up. (True Story).

For the last week we have communicated nearly every day. In fact, the reason why I haven’t blogged is because I haven’t wanted to tempt fate. I still don’t. Let’s just say that it is going well in a very Me kind of way. I have a non-date date on Saturday. I think. I actually don’t know what it is, because we are equally neurotic, we have talked ourselves in and out of it being a date. He’s got a pathological fear of being smothered and I have a pathological fear of being abandoned. We could be well suited. Certainly, we are the only two people on a dating website that are trying to define the parameters of a friendship when what we both want is A DATE!

With that being said I am going to leave the Harry issue alone (for now). What prompted me into blogging is some pondering about what it is that I am looking for in a relationship. Having neatly side stepped the aspirational debate by writing something ridiculous in my profile, I am still none the wiser about what I want. I know what I don’t want. I do not want to feel like a whore any more. How’s that for honesty!

In the past I dated a man that didn’t try to touch me during our six month relationship. I would arrange my self in provocative positions in order to inspire something lustful in him and he would look pointedly any where but in my direction. Another of my more disastrous relationships is an on/off one based purely on sex. Or was, until I declined to take part when I realised that it would never be more than that. Realising the truth of both relationships, I began to feel like there was something wrong with my sexuality.

There is nothing wrong with my sexuality. There is however something wrong with a) my mentality regarding relationships and b) my choice in men. Given that my choice in men is dictated by my mentality, that is where my next blog will start, in the darker more confused parts of my TickerTapeMind.

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