I wrote a new blog on the 17th but I didn’t post it. It needs to be pulled apart and posted as a Tryptic. At a later date, possibly. Maybe never.

‘Harry’ doesn’t feel like we have chemistry and he doesn’t think in the long term a relationship will develop. He likes me and he’s looking forward to seeing me in the future but he doesn’t see any point in contriving a friendship. I am confused but not surprised. I didn’t respond to his last email (9 days ago).

A conversation I had with my friend ‘Jed’ has had me thinking. Since his long term relationship broke up, I think Jed’s been floating and this may not be good for his 9 year old daughter. I hinted that the relationship he is in now, could be healthier than he thinks. Jed thinks he’s not that into his g/f, he might be right, but something in his manner suggests that all is not as he would have me believe.

I warned Jed that he needed to think about how he relates to women because his daughter is watching and learning. I said flippantly, it was no wonder my relationships fail because I go for men like my father; they smell like booze and stale cigarettes and they ignore me. Would Jed be happy if his daughter brought someone home like him? He pulled a face.

Dear Reader, we are in danger of getting into the ‘Oedipus Complex’. Don’t believe it for a second, at least not the way that Freud would have us believe, but there is a kernel of truth in that nut. We form our ideas about relationships through watching those around us. Rarely, do we learn from directed teaching as children; especially the kind of lessons that our parents teach us (do as I say not, as I do?).

Some Buddhists believe in soul groups and collective karma. Some psychologists and sociologists believe in group consciousness. Other religions, philosophies, political groups etc will have similar thoughts. Here’s the thread that binds… I am repeating my mothers patterns, just as she has repeated her mothers patterns.

I think I ‘liked’ Harry because I knew that he would be distant. What I read in his profile allowed me to make a different story than the one I had intuited from his picture. I knew that he would be ‘a geek’. Being geek conversant, this doesn’t phase me. In relationships however, when you are tactile like I am, you need a geek that is conversant in ‘hippy’. Group Hug!

My mother married three absent husbands and always blamed herself for the two divorces (secretly). She didn’t know her father. When my gran lost her first husband in the war, I think she lost ‘it’. My mothers father… well that’s her story to tell. Lets just say he wasn’t able to be her father.

Being informed in my youth that real men didn’t hit women, glossed over the need to protect myself from the other kinds of men that I might encounter. Including the absent kind. The ones that say they want in, but inevitably wander off shouting “Stop being so clingy” on their way out. I am cutting this thread short. Do you understand what I am doing here?

Other connections I lost this month include my internet. 5 days with out. I listened to more music on the dictaphone, ‘Kiss 98’ (proof again, that just because you can doesn’t mean you should) and a brilliant mix tape of Tamla Motown. I also lost the flow in the last of my interviews for the internship.

A friend of mine has offered me some volunteer work that will help soothe the pain of the rejection. I’m going to look after chickens and sheeps and goats and stuffs on the City Farm! (I kind of hope that I don’t get either of the jobs shhhh.) Also, I have been skills sharing with a local artist and friend and we are going to collaborate on some multimedia work. So, you know, you win some/you lose some.

E is for Erasure, Yahoo!
F is for Ella Fitzgerald, Cry me a River.
G is for Goldfrapp, No. 1.
H is for Jimi Hendrix, Bold as Love.
I is for INXS, Never Tear Us Apart.

Einstein believed that intuition is the subconscious minds way of delivering advice to the conscious mind, based on what it had learnt from experience with a bit of logic thrown in for good measure. It was also Einstein that said the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results each time.”

I sent Harry an email today.