I have a cup of tea.

I went to the shop and bought 4 cans of lager and I have a cup of tea in front of me. One of the cans is to the right of me, looking at me. It’s a bit like the staring contests that I get into with my cat. I’m scoping it out of the corner of my eye, watching it glare at me.

I’m in a weird mood. I didn’t get to sleep till about 6am and woke at 10.30. I got up, answered a text, had a glass of water and plodded back to the bedroom. 11.01. I awoke at 3.56, feeling like crap. I knew I should have got up. As a consequence of making myself go back to sleep, I have lost the day and I feel weird.

I have started a new book and I like my character. I have a fresh moleskin just for this book. This is the one. Here is the first line “Rudely awoken by “That Bastard Spring” she rolled onto her stomach and pressed her face into the cold flat pillow.” I have already introduced another character and I can see the end in my minds eye. I have not been able to visualise the end of a book before.

Why am I not writing the book? Truth be known, I don’t know if I can in this mood. What will happen to it? How do you know if it starts to go wrong? What if you invest so much time into it and then you can’t hack the dross to save the good stuff? This is the story of my life. I am not very good at knowing when to start, when to stop and when to cut cords.

This is why I am single. And today, I am feeling the loneliness of it. Songs: The Flamingos, I Only Have Eyes For You. Jeff Buckley, Everybody Here Wants You. Otis Reading, These Lonesome Arms. Sam Cooke, Wonderful World.

OK, lets not dwell on that, we are a long time dead aren’t we? So, I have an interview for a fundraising job and the money is good. Fingers crossed. I have been invited to Compare a Burlesque show. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I reckon to make a proper judgment about something you have to walk a mile in the shoes. I just hope I don’t go the distance ;o)

I went to my theatre yesterday. It has a new Director and he seems OK. It was nice to be back in the space again. Refreshingly, it didn’t ‘have’ me like it used to. The ambivalent feelings that I used to have were gone, I don’t know if this is because I knew my ex would not there, or because emotionally I have moved on. I’d love to take the show back. I want it to be like it used to, but they say you can never go back. Is this true?

I don’t think I know who I am anymore. The basics are all the same, after all leopards don’t change their spots. Is it more that I don’t know what I want anymore?

Having just typed that I know what I do want! I have an another ex that shows up from time to time, I may have mentioned him before, or might have in the mighty long blog that I was going to turn into a tryptic but didn’t. Well, looks like although I have deleted him, he’s still subscribed to my posts. RATS! I wanted him to love me so desperately when I was 15. Thank god somethings change.

This is the source of the weird mood isn’t? I’m on the precipice of my future, treading water in the present, cutting the weight of the past free.

Thanks for listening!

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