A couple of days ago I finished my exclusion diet, had a blood test and then bought pizza. You know I made myself poorly with this, don’t you? It was inevitable. Two days spent in agony and unable to sleep.

I am ridiculously poor, the social have decided to give me some money for interview clothes. Being ill I was unable to get them and as predicted, I split my trousers during the interview. I’m running ahead. I didn’t get to sleep till about 4 or 5am. I will not be eating dairy again. It simply isn’t worth it!

I dragged myself out of bed five hours later, missed the bus. £5.50 in the taxi. Fuck. But I remembered my soya milk, so at least was able to have a cup of tea. Wonder what they thought of my Alpro sat on the table? It was an all day assessment, 50 people eye-ing each other in a fight to the death for 8 jobs.

The morning did not go well. I was tired, stressed and hungry (missed breakfast) and the lighting in the hotel was migraine inducing. Started to get snappy, especially at the fella who proclaimed that “everyone has a lap top these days!”. I wanted to point out that some people didn’t have homes these days and ask him where they plug their laptops in, instead I gave him daggers.

Yesterday, I was accused of being elitist and arrogant (overtly) AND bigoted (backhandedly) over a single line in a post on a social network. I was condescended (“my good woman”) and my ethnicity was brought up, all by the same person in one response (What does he know about my ethnicity, I don’t even know what it is!). I told him to fuck off and called him a cheeky twat. Then deleted the comment and apologised to the friend who’s ‘wall’ it was.

As I was giving the fella daggers, I was even more incensed at the injustice of those remarks, did he really believe that I was that kind of person? The specific line he pointed out did seem a bit wanky, but I thought I clarified my stance in the rest of the post. At least I don’t think that everyone has a lap top. After the interview I was out selling my gold. In seatless fucking trousers I might add! Very elitist.

Lunch and I high tail it out so that I can breath and get some grub (last nights tea). On my way out, I apologised to the man I had been giving daggers, because I was contrary with him all morning. I thought shite! They are watching my every move here, better behave. But really I wanted to poke him in the eye. In the afternoon I was moved to another table. With a guy who had been receiving a lot of attention, so that could be good or bad.

After, I went to sell my gold, the first offer I had was £25. I thought that was OK, but half what I was expecting. The further up the hill I went the more I was offered and in the end sold it to a small independent shop, who offered me £53. That is going to feed me for a good few weeks. You know how I didn’t want to go to a food bank for fear of running into a client? Yeah… Third shop I went to. I blagged it and pretended that I was buying. Sodding hell.

I skipped down the hill and made plans to ask mum if I could sell my 21st birthday present, I never wear it and it weighs 20g, that’s £200 folks! I feel horrid. Yesterday, I was asking my volunteer group if I was successful in getting the funding if they would release the money all at once. I hate talking about money. I never borrow. I hate being asked to lend money and generally do anything I can to avoid conversations about it, even down to bill splitting, I always have a separate bill. This month I have had 4 conversations about taking money off people .

I put £35 pounds in the bank, passed my Big Issue seller and gave her two quid. I’ve been avoiding her for a while. We had a chat and a cuddle as per and then I ran to get my bus. I have a friend coming for tea. £2 for a ticket home (That’s £39 pounds). Oh yeah, I got a McDonald burger for 89p. I did go in Holland and Barrett’s for something, but came out sharpish, their prices have nearly doubled. Clearly, my ethics are beginning to slide into the abyss, along with my self esteem.

I went to shop, got to the check out, was asked for £19. I put all my shopping back, sent through the essentials for this evening and gave them £12. That leaves me with £2, where has all the money gone!? It’s okay, it’s in the bank paying bills. I bought cheap toilet paper. I want to cry. That is my one. That was my one line in the sand. I WILL NOT WIPE MY ARSE ON CHEAP LOO ROLL. Fuck.

I walked the mile home, did some washing up and made a curry. So, you know, at least I have some of my energy back.

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