I appear to be regressing. I know what is going on here. It’s a lack of purpose. I am not needed by anyone but myself. I miss all the discussion meetings I want to attend, for myriad reasons (excuses). I have lately taken up a half arsed chanting, for a problem that I already know the solution to.

I tell my self that religious devotion is meaningless with out the heart. The heart is empty. The heart is angry. The heart is lonely. If you see the Buddha kill the Buddha? The Buddha can fuck off.

I’m listening to Selah Sue. In particular, “Summertime”. I’ve been worrying over this problem; trying to have mind, body and soul in alignment.

Eventually, I realised that chanting, rejecting, meditating, intellectualising this problem was not making it go away. I needed for once, to submerge myself in it. Finally, I broke through the fog, but the journey was a difficult one. I always miss the most important of things: to be compassionate towards myself.

In the peace that follows the storm, I pick up my pen, which I have not done for some time. Here is where my heart is…

“In the darkest hours the turmoil seems a little more dangerous than it is, even in the most misty and cloudy of days. Somehow loneliness pinches the more painful parts of your psyche. You would sell your soul to the devil (if you believed in such a thing) just to find the things you know to be unreal. When dawn breaks, you can stretch away the sleep with a smile. Shuffle closer to your lover to capture them in an embrace, as if by protecting them, you are safe. And as they turn to reciprocate your tenderness, you can bury your head in their scent and release the nightmare of loneliness.”

Hold the one you love close for me. Allow me to love, vicariously, if needs be.

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