I have the opportunity to publicise my blog. When I set it up, it was for jokes, but it is morphing into something with more value than a giggle. Don’t get me wrong a giggle is good in it’s self, but as I am learning to express me in my entirety, it makes little sense to then write a blog that only looks at the laughs.

I deliberately did not invite my friends. I didn’t think it would go anywhere. Then I wanted to know what kind of people would be interested in my ramblings. (You are very interesting people by the way and diverse too, which I like.) I’d read a post by someone about anonymous blogging and/or success, that she started to write for an audience rather than for herself and that the thing that people liked about her blog was diminished because of it. Hm. What to do.

Could everyone stop dying please!? That rat bastard death claimed one of my brother’s dogs. A pit bull savaged her and broke her palate. My dad (who also lost his dog this year) had to punch the beast over 20 times to get it to relax it’s jaw lock. The owner of the other dog was crying, my dad was crying, everyone was balling. Shit. My brother’s other two dogs are grieving, the male of the pack has his back turned on my brother, won’t acknowledge him, I don’t know who I feel for most.

Every time I think I’ll get a dog, I am reminded of the realities. Having a dog is like driving, you might know what you’re doing, but you never know what the idiots on the road will do. I’ll stick with the toxic cat, thanks.

I have a splinter in my toe and can’t get it out. I have had the most horrific heartburn since Christmas day, back to the dairy free diet. I’m really spotty too. But that quiche was right nice! January, month of the job. I’m waiting on my funding decision and to see if I have an interview for jobs I applied for over Christmas. One of my closest friends is in India. Jealous. I want a holiday.

2012, year of the past. Year of NO! A bad year full of worry. Nothing has changed but my state of mind. I said no more to thinking I was fundamentally flawed and incapable. No more to living my life as other people expect me to. No more cyclical thinking. No more keeping schtum about the shit that other people have put me through; as if it was my crimes I was hiding. I am not a victim. NO. No to putting in shit loads of effort to get back zero at best or minus me at worst. Just NO.

Yes to being OK with being single and not clinging to celibacy like a life raft. Yes to saying thank you to someone who paid me a compliment (rather than wondering what they wanted). Yes to pleasing myself and being pleased by myself and realising it is healthy to value me and my output. Yes to playing and being creative. Yes to sharing tender and caring moments with my friends. Yes to saying NO.

Oh! I forgot… Jazzanova: Let It Go and Let Me Show Ya!

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