I am in this awesome snugly snoozy huggy mood. I’m glad I turned my heating down or else I don’t think I would have got up all day. I have the fuzzy head that my Dyslexia sometimes brings. I used to think it was irritating and frustrating, but I have since learned these are some of the best days that I have. As a child I used to lean against my mothers leg whilst she pottered, occasionally, she would reach down and stroke my hair.

It’s not a day-dreaming mood, or a thinking mood. It is a state of being. I observe things with what I have come to call my ‘other self’. It’s like being in a meditative state, all day. Definitely no good for thinking. Good for observing, feeling, listening, absorbing, being. Excellent for hugging. Here, have a hug. I’m so full of happy, that I could just stop there, but I want to share…

I think it’s a list day.
1) Listening to the cat snoring is one of my favourite things.
2) They cut down another tree and the acoustics have changed again, it’s starting to really mess with my sleeping.
3) I reapplied for a job that was re-advertised. I’m a bit cross about that because they should have just given me the damn job in the first place.
4) A friend wants to go into business with me, but even though I said yes, I don’t want to. BUT I have to work, it’s killing me being out of work. THEN I spoke to other friends to put word out, about xyz, and through discussion have come up with a plan that gives us both what we need from the business. I will have a lot to think about. Tomorrow.
5) My friends are ace.
6) My tummy is nearly better.
7) I got the nutritional yeast and far from being grim, it’s quite nice. Can’t wait to cook with it and see just how cheesy it is. Tomorrow.
8) Yawn. Scratch head. Self hug. Stretch. Yawn. Smile.
9) …
10) My friend asked me how the dating website was going and I said that it wasn’t. I’m good. Everything is cool. I’m not entirely sure why I haven’t deleted my account yet. Hm.

So any way… the reason for this blog. I’ll try make it brief. In 2003 my mother read my ‘bad words’ diary, she didn’t tell me out right, but the things she said were Straight Outta Compton – NWA… hahaha Sorry, but she was being provocative. (Incidentally, a friend of mine wrote a poem called Straight Outta Wakey. There is too much back story to explain that. Back to the story at hand.)

That Christmas she gave me a journal and said fill it with good memories. In 2007, a friend at work gave me a journal. In 2009 I started to write in it. After the break up of my last relationship, I wrote that I wished I could start writing in my mums book with out bastardising all the good memories in it, with (what I then saw to be inevitable) bad memories.

Two days ago, I was catching up on some blog reading. I don’t like many blogs as I have a limited ‘reading eye’ and I have this thing about not liking things for the sake of liking them. I like because I value. (On a different tangent but relevant, initially I was cross that I couldn’t post videos and links etc, but I’m glad now. I chose this format and lay out specifically to keep it simple and besides, this thing about instant gratification… You should do some investigating yourself. If you want to know what I’m listening to you should google it, yeah? Work for it.)

So, a newly liked blog “MyExpWithSanity” and the post “Best Year Ever…BYE!!” Well, it stopped me in my tracks. I can’t even remember now exactly what it was that got me, but I remember what it gave me. Inspiration and a re-remembering. Something that I forget ALL the time. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED.

So in a ponderous mood, I started to move about the house. I’m picking things up and using things differently and thinking about stuff my mum said to me, namely “If you really want a child you will make it happen”. I’m taking things out of boxes and putting things in boxes and cleaning and washing up. Some of the stuff I had to do anyway, as I was looking after my Nephew the following day, but some of it was long put off jobs.

I’m thinking with the subconscious and then consciously thinking and well if you know Dyslexia at all, movement is the best way to think (Kinetic Thinking – Ray Burke; you know what to do!) I’m in the bedroom moving some stuff off the Tall Boy and I pick up one of this years gifts from my mum. Two more journals, made from recycled clothe! So very cool.

I walk into the front room to put them with my other journals, some empty, like the one bound in sari material from my friends first trip to India (2011). Some filled, like the ones from my exes mother (2010). Some half filled like the spiral bound one (2010) that got lost, with the sketch my mother wanted in it but I refused to give her because I intended to gift her the entire book (It’s OK I found it in with “Arseholes” stuff the day I finally got his shit out of my house).

Than BAM!

BEST YEAR EVER. I ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED. I do not need a jar for my year of good memories (though I might do it next year). I have a journal given to me by my mother, with the words, “THIS IS FOR ALL OF YOUR GOOD MEMORIES”. Sitting, patiently waiting for ten years. Her birthday is 25th December, that’s nearly a year. I am going to fill that journal with good things and gift it back to her on her next birthday.

The first memory in her book? Yesterday, was the first time my Nephew initiated a hug with me.