My email inbox is full of junk. I keep thinking that I will unsubscribe to things that once held meaning, but I don’t. I finally deleted my dating website accounts. I told the man that I was happy to invite back into my life that I did not engage in Sexual Misconduct (in a Buddhist sense) and that included giving him cheap thrills over the internet whilst he is in a relationship. Previous hints having gone unheeded or unnoticed I have now ‘unfriended’ him.

I am still a bit disgruntled that an on-line ‘friend’ I had has blocked me, without so much as a warning. I can only assume because his wife was upset about our very platonic on-line friendship. In the past, friends I know in ‘real life’ have had girlfriends that have added me, presumably, for no other reason than to find out who the hell I am. They have never even said Hello! some of them.

My mother said that I was very photogenic and that I should sign up for a ‘Big Girls’ web site, after a brief conversation I ascertained she meant a dating website for fatties. I explained that just because they liked larger women, these men where none the less guilty of objectifying women as those who like ’em skinny’. She thought about it and saw my point.

In town waiting for my father, several men walked past me, chests puffed out and straight backed. I was quite perplexed. I have started to look up again. I haven’t for a while. What I did not anticipate is the fact that these men are not staring at me with disgust, they were displaying their feathers. Unless, they were that affronted by me, that they put on their fighting strut and I just misread the signals.

Every now and then, I wonder, why don’t I study more and commit to life in a Temple. Leave all this behind. Why go through these periods of heartbreaking loneliness, when I can be surrounded by people permanently in ‘work’. It would be quite easy to renounce the lot. And yet, I keep coming back to the one thing I do not have. A family. I can’t do it for the one think I am unlikely to get.

I can not renounce the one thing that I want. Well, realistically, the second thing I want, because the first thing I want is to get off this rock. For good. No backsies. One way ticket to Nirvana, please. But that is not likely to happen so, I say to myself, why not just fucking throw the towel in and shag the ex who wants an affair. If I’m going to have a to go round again, I might as well have a hell of a ride… And what if it is all Bullshit anyway?

Thankfully, common decency sets in before I get any serious ideas. It’s enough to do the right thing, because the right thing is the right thing. For no other purpose than that. Not through fear of never achieving enlightenment, not through fear of getting caught, not even because that’s a c@nt’s trick to sleep with another woman’s partner and cause her suffering, but just because it is the right thing to do.

I say no to them who want a shag, no to them who want a relationship with me that I know will lead to disaster, no to dating websites now too. It seems that I am doing everything I can to put obstacles in my path with regards to having a family. And it ain’t for Disney. I have no illusions that Prince Charming is going to appear, from no where, and impregnate me within a blink of an eye and ride off to work leaving me at home to dote on his progeny.

I am lonely for hugs. I am lonely for his legs to be wrapped around mine. I’m lonely for slow dancing in the morning and drunk monkey dancing on a dusky autumn afternoon. For his smell. A he that does not exist. And all the love and joy that I have for friends and family is bastardised by the tang of loneliness that I seem to be intent on keeping.

Which is different from doing all this within a community (sangha) how? Would it not be easier to just give in. Give in to anything.

I wish I knew what I was doing here.

In the profoundest sense, I wish I knew why I was here. I am aimless. I thought, I had cracked it. But in its place something else arose, and this is worse, because I don’t know what this is. I’m OK, but I’m not. I’d get drunk, but it only depresses me.

Is it just that I am overwhelmingly bored? Ought I be writing that infernal book. Probably should be looking for somewhere to live. Stop moping about first world problems. Get a life. Get a dog, not just for christmas. pfffffft.

Four days to go before I find out if I get my funding for my volunteering…

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