Cry myself blind – Primal Scream
Broken Crown – Mumford and Sons
Not With Haste – Mumford and Sons

Make haste, slowly.

I bought some new shoes and I have to take them back, I’m really embarrassed because it took me an hour to choose the right shoes. Good walking shoes. A size too big. Turns out almost lethally too big, I fell over my feet and nearly killed myself.

Someone online told me they found me “offensive, overpowering and intimidating”. I told her that I was not going to censor myself, all the while thinking how can I undo what I have done. Then I thought Na! Not gonna. Then I did. Shit. But then, someone else told me they were new to the topic and thanked me for my time and patience in explaining things. Interesting.

I have an on-line friend I have never met. We call each other MU, I can’t remember why or how it started. If you look at the Wiki definition it goes round the houses, taking in the Mu (or Wu) Koan. Not that any of that really matters, as MU in my instance is meant to represent “wrong question”.

I keep forgetting this. You’d think after 12 or thirteen years that I would remember, I don’t. Even though sometimes I communicate with MU every week! I get to looking inwards a lot and I can’t see the wood for the trees (or the would). In calling him MU I forget it is for me too. Don’t ask what tradition of Buddhism I follow… I can’t even see the path.

Once I even programmed my phone to remind me to begin again… Step One. This was when I was very stressed and life was teaching me the big sink or swim lessons. Begin Again. Step One. Always start from where you are. In other words, breathe. Anyhow…

“Wrong question”. In my frustration, and boredom I muse all the old problems like they are new ones, like last year never happened. I ask all the same questions and could cry myself blind at the answers, well I would, wouldn’t I asking all the wrong friggin questions.

I read a good article about ‘closing’. Before I deleted all my dating websites, I mused that I needed a closer. It’s like I have my nose pressed in a corner sometimes. I am going to re-remember how to close. I was ready to sit down and write that infernal book, I rescheduled the reading party. I bought a new vacuum, 220 air watts of sucking power, bye bye cat dander! Sprinkled Nutritional Yeast on my non-dairy food…

And then I received the news that I have secured my funding!

YES I FUCKING DID!!!

I am so so happy… so relieved, so grateful… so frustrated still. I cannot start for another six weeks due to paper work and what not. As per usual I didn’t read the small print. I shirked the opportunity to advertise this blog (see previous posts) and now it seems that I will have to advertise myself anyway.

Am I on the path. Yes. Is it the Middle Way. Yes. How do I know this. Because every time I say I won’t do something, I end up having to do it. Good one, very funny.

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