Yeah Yeah – Bodyrox ft Luciana.

Pulling up my boots. Got my big girl pants on. Looking at myself in mirror and I wonder how did I get here? This is not my beautiful face. Today I washed my hair and forgot to put conditioner on it, I look like Dianna Ross. Or at least my hair does. I look angry. I have a cleft that makes me look like Andy McDowell. I earned it from not wearing my glasses and ranting.

I could easily go to tomorrows Cultural Strategy meeting, hair wild, jump on the table, tear my top and stab a pen in my fleshy left tit. All whilst screaming, “I am Joan of Art!”

In my mind, I did not move in with Psycho 2, on the day he was emotionally holding me to ransom, I did not resolve the situation, I told him to “Fuck off”, climbed out of the kitchen window and ran like billie-o for the sake of my sanity.

I got rid of him and I made myself ugly. I tried really hard to rub myself out. I got fat and earned a cleft that makes me look perma-angry. My clothes are a mess and my make up is none existent (not that I ever wore much anyway).

Some say I’ve been pupae-ting. If that’s the case, I want to be the Claudia Schiffer some one in Norway once said I looked like, because of my curves apparently. Believe me, if I look like anyone famous it’s Cathy Burke. I’m ok with that, she has mad skillz.

I’m not doing this any more. I have skills. I know what I am doing. I know where I am going and I do not need anyone to get there. I am taking off my stabilisers. I never needed them anyway. He made me think I was useless and I believed him. I am not that person.

I once asked a friend to describe me; he couldn’t decide between Budgie the Little Helicopter or a Dragon with an Opal in it’s claw. I’ve been described as an “accident in a spring factory”, a “great dane puppy” and a “pin ball wizard”. I’m “gorgeous”, with a “big gob and a big heart”. “Scarey” and “intimidating”. I wanted to be told I looked like Minnie Driver in my twenties, but was told I looked like Janice Joplin or Bette Midler. Recently, I was likened to Susan Boyle.

What I have not been recently is the Dragon with an Opal in it’s claw. I have been waiting for a resurgence, a renaissance. It is not forth coming and I am not getting any younger. So after fishing around for opinions to take to the Cultural Strategy, I thought Fuck It. I’m going on behalf of me. Nan bought me an Opal pendant for Christmas, 1st Dad gave it to me the day we fixed the wall. I am going to wear that Opal and I am going to be “Joan of Art”.

The protagonist of my book is called Joan. She’s more me than I thought. I’m going Renegade. Catch you in the slip stream!