Archives for the month of: April, 2013

After 12 years of Buddhist practice, I have learned nothing.  I still think too much, talk too much and have a self grasping ego. I am the Buddha?  Hm.  If I saw the Buddha I wouldn’t kill him, but I would kick his arse.

My Nan is happier; eating fortified pudding. They are trying to get her up and walking now, which is good. Looking at nursing homes for her. She might not see the year through, her heart has had it. My family has been in denial, I think the doctors have finally convinced them that she is not going to live forever. I am concerned that she will not be ‘allowed’ to die with dignity and will be pickled with medication like my two Grandads; who are riddled with senility and dementia, which may or may not ease the pain of being so very very poorly as they are. This is worrying, all of it.

I am…

  • developing the Patchwork Poems project.
  • going self employed. I am. Oh god, I’m going self employed.
  • watching my book from the corner of my eye, waiting to devour it with frenetic writing when I get some time…
  • wandering if I’ll ever get it typed up, to enter in to the Wasifari competition.
  • thinking about the heart that needs finishing proper and finalising, I have just told ‘The Nurse’ that I will sell it on ebay. Have I told you about the MSF heart?
  • wandering if I should stay in the flat, move to the one bed or wait till a nicer place comes up in shippers and spend all the money I have saved on a bond.
  • being disappointed that I haven’t lost a pound whilst working.
  • thinking about finding a home for the cat, still.
  • still pondering a ‘man issue’, but I do not know why, as far as I am concerned its done.  It seems I am unwilling to learn this lesson.
  • very grateful for the friends that I have.

I am like the Little Locomotion That Could.  I just keep chugging away. I plow all my energy into what ever it is I am doing. Chug, chug, chug… All I have to show for it is an empty bank balance, a broken heart and a morally corrupted spiritual practice. I am tired, not the exhausted that I have been in the past, but tired nonetheless. I slept all through last night, woke feeling woozy, ate breakfast, went back to bed and didn’t wake for another 5 hours.

I’ve been doing more ‘mandala’s’ and writing some dribs and drabs, but I haven’t the concentration for the book, although the plot is there. One more week till my funding runs out and I go self employed. I am also going to apply to become an apprentice Joiner. I think this might be fun.

Heart mandala

I have been listening to Ja Rule… I had a song in my head and ended up singing something else completely different. “I’m not always there when you call, but I’m always on time, Baby be mine”. But I was thinking of “Ain’t it funny”. So, ain’t that funny.

Ja Rule, ft Ashanti: Always on Time
JLo, ft Ja Rule: Ain’t it Funny
Led Zepplin: Over the Hills and Far Away
Brand New Heavies: Midnight at the Oasis.

I am as ever, not letting go…


Really, I ought to be going to bed. But since when have I ever done what I ought to be doing?

Today, my thoughts became backed up at work. Parts of an old life and a new life collided and left me confused. This time, in a positive manner. In fact there were three of some of my most favourite people in one room at one point.

I’ve been thinking about the theatre. I’ve been invited to go back in. I declined. I hadn’t realised, that I have been saying no for some time now. It has become so effortless to simply say, “No, thank you”, that I haven’t even realised that I have been doing it.

I would like to concentrate on, “Yes, please”, next. Things worth saying yes to, obviously.

I stopped referring to myself as Buddhist and it’s working. People have stopped assuming that I am some kind of Vulcan. I like it. I feel liberated. I’m shaking off the teaching part of it. I’m not inclined to “spin the wheel” explicitly anymore.

My projects are looking wonderful.

More on those later, when I have more of a mind to process it. I’ve been writing again. In fact, I’ve been frustrated that work is taking up so much of my time and energy. How ironic. I have decided that what I really want to do, is become a counsellor so that I can write.

This might have been very obvious and apparent. This might have been a realisation that I have had, several times before, but this time… This time, I am aware of the how it feels. How I am going to manifest this, with no money to pay for the course I have no idea. But we know if it’s meant to be, it’s as easy as breathing.

It’s the first time in a long time that I have felt like I have a goal again. I feel less disjointed.

Been listening to Dianna Ross, Maxi Priest, Sade and Dionne Warwick… Talking about relationships with the dark side, and looking at the light, with a sense of contentment.

Mandala type thingy.

Mandala type thingy.

Weird week. Seriously weird week.

But in other news, I got to spend time with all the family which was nice.

Recently, I have been working on these mandala-esque thingies… I don’t know if you can read the writing?

I have been doing things in a daze today, communicating with three friends, pretty certain I have said that I will book a table at a Persian/Greek restaurant I like.

Thing is, I can’t recall if I invited them as a group or as individuals. I might leave it as is and surprise myself when they ring to remind me.

Interesting times.

But hey! Just enjoy the picture :)

Oh yeah, listening to Erykah Badu – Bag Lady.