In as many days, two people have told me “You’re emotional”. It was not intended as an insult. Although I know I am in a state of flux, I didn’t realise I was literally pinging around inside my own body and appearing jittery to people.

I am not mentally ill. I have to say this, because some of the difficulties that I am having look a lot like mental illness. I am ill at ease (some new age types like to stress disease like so: dis-ease). I don’t go in for stuff like that. I have a degree in science, and although I have the utmost respect for religion and those who choose to follow it, I do not believe in god.

I am in the process of renouncing Buddhism. This is not a crisis of faith, I have been there. It was a scarey and desolate place and was filled with depression and suicidal ideation.  I took the tablets, did therapy, read a degree, started a career with homeless people and rarely look back. For years I struggled with loneliness, but I didn’t and don’t mind being alone. Two very different things.

So far so normal right!? Here’s the thing. It is upsetting me. It is causing more upset than the thought of renouncing a family did, when I thought I might start studying Buddhism seriously. I didn’t study seriously. I went no where. I’ve started to eat meat again, and I’m thinking what is the deal here?

I don’t meditate, rarely recite mantra, haven’t studied for years, and now I am eating meat. I jokingly started to refer to myself as a Baddhist. The worst Buddhist like the worst witch (a popular children’s book). And although I’m not in a relationship, it is not for the want of trying…

So what is the point I ask myself. I can live ethically and humanisticly with out the Buddhism. I can maintain all the positive elements of Buddhism with out the ritual and drama that I don’t blooming well adhere to anyway! Hello secularism…

It’s a cold and heartless place sometimes, but at least there are no fanatics (as long as you discount the Dawkins lot who have made quite an artform out of aggressive athiesm). One of my reasons for giving Buddhism the slip, is its inherent sexism, it’s completely at odds with my Feminist politics. I once had a spiritual guide, who advised me to study Green Tara, but didn’t know what Dakini is. Dunderhead!

And then… I decided to befriend (on facebook) someone I met through a mutual friend in 2009. He remarked with surprise that I was very independent when I chose to travel to a festival on my own, as I had decided to visit friends on the way. He thought he had to help women (me) understand. And yet he is a walking paradox, he understands that gender is a social construct.

He was a Buddhist monk; I never got to the bottom of whether he left or was kicked out of the monastery. Either is entirely possible. He was misogynistic before he went into the monastery and carried on in the same vein when he came out. He is deeply attractive, in almost every sense. He drives me nuts with the way he views women and yet I want to know what he knows.

Funny how I am studying the Taras again. Specifically red and blue. The further I walk away from Buddhism, the closer I get, it’s like being trapped in an M.C. Escher painting. I have a stronger desire to meditate than I have for months. I feel this dichotomy is going to drive me insane. Indeed, the Blue Tara mantra is secret (they say), I reckon I’ve found it. They say, that if you recite it without knowing what you are doing you can break your mind.

Well, here goes!