Archives for the month of: October, 2013

After moving the papers on my desk around for the millionth time, trying to change my address on my student loan (from 2004) for the millionth time, looked at my bank account for the millionth time… It is fair to say that nothing has changed. For the better. After 4 months of paying bills for two homes I’m about ready to default on some payments. Even with £235 of tax refund this month.

Couldn’t care less. £70 went on two months internet supply owed to the landlord because the ISP will not put the account in my name. £60 on a night out for 3 pints and bus fares, looooooooooong story… £30 for the new ISP up front so I can have all my bills in my name (WHY!!!!!). £25 on council tax for the old house. The rest on food and rent.

Why I chose this month to have a melt down and repay a £50 debt from ten years ago I can only put down to sheer fuckery. Today I went to my doctors for my initial counselling therapy to be told that they didn’t have me down. Back home and the session is next week at a different doctors.

I think if I tried to keep doing this on my own, I really would break my mind. I am punishing myself to pay off a credit card debt I can’t afford, why? Because I was brought up to pay my debts. Never mind that these debts were incurred by my ex, or more properly my idiocy. If I hadn’t moved him in, he couldn’t have defaulted on the rent and I wouldn’t have had to borrow to pay it back, this you might have already been told (another long boring story).

So, now, I’m just flat fucking broke and full of anger. I keep telling myself I’m a fraud and people treat me… like I’m a fraud! That amazing job should have been mine, I have all the right skills, but I told myself that somehow I did not deserve to get the job. I am not worthy. I tell myself all the time that I know nothing. Sabatuer!

Oh well. One of my friends showed up and another stayed with me on-line, I was also blessed to go to a house party and was treated like a princess, taxi home to stay over night at another friends scrambled egg on toast for breakfast and a lift home. Just what I needed (except for the job you understand).

There are four jobs to apply for this week, all outside of the area that I live in, but it has to be better than this surely? Fantasising about a friend I haven’t seen in the flesh since 2008 who just sacked in a job and trotted from France to the Ukraine… I wish I had the guts… I wish I had a passport…

I’m Leaving – Mos Def.

Oh well, Praise to the 21 Taras morning and night for 21 days; 11 days in… 10 to go. Yeah, this is me not doing Buddhism, I’m a messed up middle aged kid. My friend wanted me to write about the time I went for a job in a strip club, but I don’t have the humour for it.

Advertisements

So, back jobless for the second time in a year, and no volunteer commitments, I have started the long slow slump in to stress and possibly depression. I’ve been to the doctors and I have to ‘opt in’ for counselling… It seems the move into a nicer more central area wasn’t quite the boost I was looking for. I might as well have stayed where I was, the neighbours are just as bad and a recession is a recession no matter where you are.

I reached out, looking for a little hope and offers came flooding in… then one by one the offers receded… There are more than just this list but they are future appointments…
1) I spent £4 traveling to visit my dad, to help him with some painting, he wasn’t in. Well, I could have had a pouch of baccy (could do with taking up smoking again), 4 cans of cheap lager, some WonderWeb for the curtains, 2 days food, fish and chips from the expensive but tasty local chippy, or 4 kilos of flour (8 loaves).

But at least you got me out of the house and every little helps. And the Park is beautiful this time of year. I would rather have actually *seen* you, than sit on the doorstep before leaving, but hey I suppose the time we arranged was more flexible for you than me. Feeling great. (Turns out he was in, he was just asleep *read passed out).

2) I’ll give you a ring, tomorrow, we’ll have a good catch up. <nothing>

3) We’ll have a girlie night in, I’ll bring some treats, when shall I come. I’m sorry I can’t come, when can I reschedule?

At least the last two didn’t cost me anything, I’m skint enough as it is. And I’ve decided I would rather just be left alone actually…  don’t bother with your platitudes. I will be OK, I have seen through worse than this, I will be employed again (maybe not until 2014 the expected end of the recession, don’t ask me how I know). I will pay off my debts and I’ll be able to get a whole load more fake ass friends.

Or perhaps, I’ll join a nut club and hang out with the mentally ill and poor again, at least you know what you’re getting folks. Honestly, but I just don’t have the energy for it. Happy clappy everything will be OK groups for when you’re recovering from a period of boo… Frig all use when you need it most. Everyone knows it. And all the do gooders pat themselves and us poor mentals on the back with a job well done… Actually, I JUST NEED A JOB (with a fair wage) we all say…………………

Oh, but I have some volunteering coming… good enough to work, but not good enough to get paid… that’s me and 2.5 million people, all told we are not working hard enough or putting enough in, striving a little less than we ought to… well that’s a fine fuck you too.

On FB a friend was encouraged by another friend to “Smile next time”. He replied, “Smiles mean nothing”. We are permanently and perpetually asked to smile, to be nice, to be kind, to be considerate, to be thoughtful… If we display any negative emotions the presumption is that you are either bad or mental.

Buddhists don’t do good, bad or evil, least not in the way that we in the West do. They do not think that karma is a tool of justice, they believe it is like the universe or a psychopath; disinterested. It will ripen seeds, it doesn’t care if you think they are good or bad. It doesn’t care whether you want it to or not and it doesn’t care if you like the results or not.

I recently had a friend cut me out of her life. It was interesting, it was abrupt and quick. If she had been discontent with our friendship she had not said and if she had been planning on calling it a day with our friendship she hid it well. I have cut people out of my life and I have been cut out by other people before, it is not nearly as traumatic as you might think…

In fact, I am glad; it’s the most honest thing she has done for some time. I can not help her where she is, except be there for her and she has decided (for what ever reason) she does not want me present. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your friends, is not be a friend. Space, time and distance, they are not your enemies.

From the outside looking in, it might seem that I do not care. What do people want me to do? March up to the door and order her to a) be my friend again, or b) tell my why she doesn’t want to be my friend? What, are we six? And what good will that do either of us? She will talk to me, when she wants to talk to me, if ever. If not my tears or lack thereof mean the same… nothing. She has the right to cut ties.

What I am asking of you dear reader, is to be honest. If this tale fills you with dread that it might happen to you, be more honest. Don’t try to put a sticking plaster on the scabs of life, let them open to the fresh air, let them ooze and crust over and heal. Don’t just put a plaster over a problem and say to yourself there! Fixed. What you are creating is an ulcer, a large difficult, foul smelling sore that is hard to treat.

If someone is pissing you off, tell them. If you are unhappy, angry, discontent, sad etc make it known. If you have been told by someone that you are pissing them off, don’t be a baby, deal with it. If you have been told by someone struggling with themselves that they are in distress, do not stick a plaster over it and say it will be alright, it will not. Tell them it is OK for them to be human and that ‘negative’ emotions are the brains way of saying, “Enough!”.

How do you expect people to transition otherwise?

What does this interaction mean for me? I am another friend lighter, it’s a good reason to consider my own period of transition more candidly.