After moving the papers on my desk around for the millionth time, trying to change my address on my student loan (from 2004) for the millionth time, looked at my bank account for the millionth time… It is fair to say that nothing has changed. For the better. After 4 months of paying bills for two homes I’m about ready to default on some payments. Even with £235 of tax refund this month.

Couldn’t care less. £70 went on two months internet supply owed to the landlord because the ISP will not put the account in my name. £60 on a night out for 3 pints and bus fares, looooooooooong story… £30 for the new ISP up front so I can have all my bills in my name (WHY!!!!!). £25 on council tax for the old house. The rest on food and rent.

Why I chose this month to have a melt down and repay a £50 debt from ten years ago I can only put down to sheer fuckery. Today I went to my doctors for my initial counselling therapy to be told that they didn’t have me down. Back home and the session is next week at a different doctors.

I think if I tried to keep doing this on my own, I really would break my mind. I am punishing myself to pay off a credit card debt I can’t afford, why? Because I was brought up to pay my debts. Never mind that these debts were incurred by my ex, or more properly my idiocy. If I hadn’t moved him in, he couldn’t have defaulted on the rent and I wouldn’t have had to borrow to pay it back, this you might have already been told (another long boring story).

So, now, I’m just flat fucking broke and full of anger. I keep telling myself I’m a fraud and people treat me… like I’m a fraud! That amazing job should have been mine, I have all the right skills, but I told myself that somehow I did not deserve to get the job. I am not worthy. I tell myself all the time that I know nothing. Sabatuer!

Oh well. One of my friends showed up and another stayed with me on-line, I was also blessed to go to a house party and was treated like a princess, taxi home to stay over night at another friends scrambled egg on toast for breakfast and a lift home. Just what I needed (except for the job you understand).

There are four jobs to apply for this week, all outside of the area that I live in, but it has to be better than this surely? Fantasising about a friend I haven’t seen in the flesh since 2008 who just sacked in a job and trotted from France to the Ukraine… I wish I had the guts… I wish I had a passport…

I’m Leaving – Mos Def.

Oh well, Praise to the 21 Taras morning and night for 21 days; 11 days in… 10 to go. Yeah, this is me not doing Buddhism, I’m a messed up middle aged kid. My friend wanted me to write about the time I went for a job in a strip club, but I don’t have the humour for it.

Advertisements