Archives for the month of: January, 2015

A reprieve, a glimmer of hope, a real hope not just the teeny carrot on the very end of a too long stick… Don’t fuck it up! We need you!

PS the cat has decided to eat again… You’d think I’d be glad for her ailing health wouldn’t you? But I sincerely hope she makes it to twenty one and makes my life a wretched sneezy snotty misery. Or at least till I can find the courage to give her up.

Well, anyway. Greece, eh!?

Viva la revolution!

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You carefully role the ticker tape round a pencil… Then it becomes too large and you have to put it down on a flat surface. Pausing for breath you admire your progress, then look round the side of the desk. There’s a huge pile of tape on the floor. Shit.

After years of trial and error you realise that you just have to tear the tape and start again. The tape has other ideas. It is a Sisyphean task. This time I need to move the role and I was doing OK until the middle started to sink…slowly at first, then at pace, till the pressure from your hands squashes what little remains in an effort to try prevent it all from landing on the floor again…

Today I was reminded of the last time I was unemployed in my youth, and how I used to call my friends round when I could afford a “big shop”. “Come look at me fridge!”. And they’d pile round and ooh and aah at my fully stocked cupboards and fridge. All the tins rotated face forward, perishables stacked in order of when they were due to go off.

I met a man yesterday. Nice man. Nothing wrong with him. Probably very rich… As tech guys usually are. As I head back into poverty for the third time in as many years, I think how much easier my life would be if I had sold my soul, if I could give up my principles… If I had just one ounce of attraction for him or any of the others… But it’s all bullshit. I seem to be determined to stay single, even as I’m drowning in poverty and loneliness…

It’s not just about not being able to live with myself for thinking about how I’d have prostituted myself, it’s knowing the resentment will build, they will end up with a seething pile of venom. Also knowing that you couldn’t give them what they need, they pick you because your smart, but you’re not so smart and the fatigue with dyslexia makes it hard to sustain concentration and they wonder where that person went.

I keep seeing glimmers of myself like a stranger you think you recognise… I miss me. A co-worker threatened to hit me last week, I immediately took it to the boss, but I don’t know what I’ll be walking into tomorrow. I’m already unpopular because I can’t keep my gob shut. I’ve shut down again, just as more jobs are coming on to the market.

The cats been ill, my dads been ill both beginning the slink into death, it might take years like my nan, or because of the pulmonary embolism it might be as quick as a fart. Poof! And your life is gone. I am trying to live, i really am. I went to an art opening, spoke to some one who can help me with funding and I barely heard a word she said, her lips moved, her eyes shone and she said blah blah blah confidence… You need to increase your confidence… No sorry, I need to increase my bank balance.

Mark ronsen – pretty green
Mia- paper planes
Wiley – cash in pocket?

It’s amazing how sleep deprivation really clears out your mind. The weird thought patterns and the zoning out can be pretty trippy. I don’t think I’ve slept well for a full week in over 5 months. It’s fair to say I feel quite unwell at times, worst is when you feel that sickening hangover feeling, it’s really difficult to function when you know at any minute you could seriously damage yourself. Simple tasks like chopping onions become mammoth.

The difference when you do manage to sleep, your mood, ability to concentrate, the things you are inclined to engage in, are profoundly noticable. It spotlights where you have real weaknesses and explodes your concept of self. It truly does focus and motivate you, but in strange ways. There is little active planning in the things you do, your subconcious is perhaps more active, and you just ‘do’.

I kid you not, you find out really quickly what is important to you. I recommend it. I will warn you though, it isn’t pleasant. But its like rolling a sculpture down a hill, the bits that fall off you have no purpose. <<< Is that Socrates? Where did I get that from? Anyhoo… I’m done with this experiment. I’ve bought some earplugs. That perhaps is the most stark observation from this period, the myriad ways I have found to punish myself. From not buying earplugs to block out noise nuisance, to persisting in choosing destructive relationships.

I been having the urge to work on my chakras. I have no idea what that is about really. I know that there are very real physical nerve bundles in the areas where the chakras are located so I get the feeling this is more than a spiritual urge. A friend gave me a meditation to do, and I was very surpised at the results as my blocks and stops were in the throat and frontal lobe (third eye) and eye. I really thought they would be in the root and sacrum, go figure.

Try is see what you get. Sit yourself down. Notice your body. Relax. Relax. HEY!!! I mean it! Relax. Your head, give it a little shake. Squeeze up your shoulders, then drop them. Have your hands in your lap. Relax your stomach, your back should be straight, but not like a rod. Give yourself three deep breathes and then forget about your breathing. Are your legs floppy? Relax those thighs and calves.

I want you to notice. Not visualise. NOTICE. Observe. Bear witness to. Start at the root and work your way up the spine, up the neck into the head (stay away from that crown now) and notice the feelings fall down the front of your body. Have your mouth relaxed and your tongue pressed against the roof of your mouth. Come full circle to the root. Where were you blocked. What are you holding in? It takes as long as it takes by the way, so don’t think you can get it over and done with in 5 mins. I took about 40 mins the first time. Perhaps more.

I’m

tired but I can’t sleep, cold damp house too many blankets too warm…idiot neighbour noisey but not radius, still waiting for the big noise to start… Still have the cat, still allergic, the cat is now minus one tooth, she fractured a fang! How I do not know…. Typing on the tablet I hate it. Working in a call centre to fund the music gig rather not but paid off some debts. Postponed the art thing, took on a new volunteer role… Dad had a chest infection which was pneumonia and pulmonary embolism, fuck the government and the NHS ‘sell off’. Back on the dating website, why I’m not sure, was asked for my number at a gig last year and said no!!!! Huh!?  Did I tell you about the artist? What a waste of time that was… Seen some cool things, been to som cool places and all I can think of is god I have to move. I’m so tired, haven’t slept normal hours for probably years but recently it’s been 4am till noon. Dammit. Did another puja was hoping for a new revolution, it didn’t come. AND THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY EAR!!!!!! happy poo year xxx

PS I forgot something cool! Final episode of misfits season four wow! Existential abbey… Anyway, the wall they are scrubbing during that episode contains music in visual form! And she references Peaches, fuck the pain away! Totally awesome. I might not have told you all about my existential forays this year, to be honest I don’t know where I’m at… Post wise. But life wise, fucking the pain away is a temporary fix, you knows this don’t you. And yet you still refuse to seek a deeper connection, this is capitalism for you, it kills love. Love bravely, even if I can’t.