Archives for category: Mandalas

As a child and teenager I used to enter these periods and I would endure them for a short while and shake them off like water. I’d make a motivation and step through walls and climb mountains. The time I experienced the Long Dark Night of the Soul, I sincerely thought that I would not make it out alive. Until of course I shook that off also. It took years. Maybe 10, maybe 14. I still functioned, I progressed in many ways, in ways that were unexpected. And yet, on other levels, I was barely alive. I was moving through this world like a ghost.

Despite acquiring wealth, possessions, stability, a degree, a reputation as a person with integrity among friends and within my career… I felt like a fraud. At times I was angry and anti-social, at times I was classically depressed, at the lowest point I was 100% convinced that there were secret messages hidden in songs, which contained clues about how to resolve my emotional pain. Fortunately, I had an infatuation with a Muslim man who talked to his Imam about me. His Imam said I was seeking refuge in music, ever the Contrarian I said, “I’ll show you”! I wrote a poem and then silenced my stereo for the better part of 3 years.

These songs? This endless list of songs I play, they are just songs with lyrics or melodies that move me. They may be relevant to my current emotional state, they may not, they may be directed at one person, a group or solely at myself; they are all just songs. Audio glitter to sparkle dreary days and nights, there are no secret messages contained within.

There is an understanding that none of this even remotely matters. In my heart of hearts I know that I can unravel this life, right now. I could just choose to walk out of the door and disappear into the night. Thousands of people do it every year, some stay gone for days, weeks, months… some for years. Personally, I have always known that regardless of how far I travel I will always have to take myself with me. And so I ran away standing still; in comfort.

I used to engage in day dreams in absence of action. When I was trapped by my circumstances I resorted to my rich and fertile imagination. Sometimes, these fantasies bled into real life and I was dragged into a shared reality when other people strayed from my script. I hated it when people did not respond in accordance with my dreams. I used to mind read. That is to say, I used to believe that I knew what other people where thinking and feeling, and would rarely ask even reasonable questions.

Since my grandmother died, I entered a period of existential crisis. I am not depressed, I am not stressed, I am slightly numb, occasionally angry (I am not patient); I have chosen to experience this state of being as a period of waiting. I am waiting. What am I waiting for? The bodies of my enemies to pass me by? No. Sometimes our enemies have the most valuable lessons to teach us. What I am waiting for is a revelation.

I am waiting for a door, that once opened wide can not be closed, that will not be ignored. I’m waiting for the wisdom to recognise that door when I see it, rather than when I’ve gone so far passed it I’ve lost it. In the mean time I am meditating on my weaknesses and learning what to do with them. Accept them or develop them into strengths. I know that any time I can change this life, with a word, a thought, an action. I am not powerless. I might not be fully self actualising, or perhaps in going for refuge, I *am*.

These are dangerous times. The world is going crazy. We can only make it a better place by being as authentic as we can, with ourselves and other people. We have to learn that sometimes the people who smile the most tell the most damaging lies. We have to understand that other people sometimes have a vested interest in making sure we fail. It absolves them of having to take responsibility for their own lives and subsequently the consequences of their own choices.

We have the power to unravel this life, now. Sometimes all it takes is a change of perspective, sometimes it requires something more radical. But we, no one else, are responsible for our current realities. The only advice I have that is of any use is this: When making decisions make sure mind, body and soul are in alignment. A sense of calm will help you know when you have made the right choice, and you will be able to act with authenticity. Be kind. Yes, to yourself and other people.

Play Your Cards To Your Heart – Groove Armada

After 12 years of Buddhist practice, I have learned nothing.  I still think too much, talk too much and have a self grasping ego. I am the Buddha?  Hm.  If I saw the Buddha I wouldn’t kill him, but I would kick his arse.

My Nan is happier; eating fortified pudding. They are trying to get her up and walking now, which is good. Looking at nursing homes for her. She might not see the year through, her heart has had it. My family has been in denial, I think the doctors have finally convinced them that she is not going to live forever. I am concerned that she will not be ‘allowed’ to die with dignity and will be pickled with medication like my two Grandads; who are riddled with senility and dementia, which may or may not ease the pain of being so very very poorly as they are. This is worrying, all of it.

I am…

  • developing the Patchwork Poems project.
  • going self employed. I am. Oh god, I’m going self employed.
  • watching my book from the corner of my eye, waiting to devour it with frenetic writing when I get some time…
  • wandering if I’ll ever get it typed up, to enter in to the Wasifari competition.
  • thinking about the heart that needs finishing proper and finalising, I have just told ‘The Nurse’ that I will sell it on ebay. Have I told you about the MSF heart?
  • wandering if I should stay in the flat, move to the one bed or wait till a nicer place comes up in shippers and spend all the money I have saved on a bond.
  • being disappointed that I haven’t lost a pound whilst working.
  • thinking about finding a home for the cat, still.
  • still pondering a ‘man issue’, but I do not know why, as far as I am concerned its done.  It seems I am unwilling to learn this lesson.
  • very grateful for the friends that I have.

I am like the Little Locomotion That Could.  I just keep chugging away. I plow all my energy into what ever it is I am doing. Chug, chug, chug… All I have to show for it is an empty bank balance, a broken heart and a morally corrupted spiritual practice. I am tired, not the exhausted that I have been in the past, but tired nonetheless. I slept all through last night, woke feeling woozy, ate breakfast, went back to bed and didn’t wake for another 5 hours.

I’ve been doing more ‘mandala’s’ and writing some dribs and drabs, but I haven’t the concentration for the book, although the plot is there. One more week till my funding runs out and I go self employed. I am also going to apply to become an apprentice Joiner. I think this might be fun.

Heart mandala

I have been listening to Ja Rule… I had a song in my head and ended up singing something else completely different. “I’m not always there when you call, but I’m always on time, Baby be mine”. But I was thinking of “Ain’t it funny”. So, ain’t that funny.

Ja Rule, ft Ashanti: Always on Time
JLo, ft Ja Rule: Ain’t it Funny
Led Zepplin: Over the Hills and Far Away
Brand New Heavies: Midnight at the Oasis.

I am as ever, not letting go…